The Way I Am
by Li Fei
Summary: Once you've been in love, you get addicted. Nothing matters more than love. But true love is difficult to find. YURI. OS.


**Author: Li Fei**

**Title: The Way I Am**

**Universe: Vocaloid**

**Pairing: Luka/Meiko, but it doesn't really matter, in fact. Well, you'll see why if you read it. But if you don't like yuri, just don't read.**

**Summary: Once you've been in love, you get addicted. Nothing matters more than love. But true love is difficult to find. YURI. OS.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me except the writing.**

**Rating: T (for angst).**

**A/N: I'm a little ashamed to publish that. I'm not fond of Luka/Meiko pairing, but that's not important… Well, I won't say much about this because it's a very short story, so you'll get what I mean.**

**This is Luka's POV.**

_The Way I Am_

Everybody lies. You, him, her, them, and even me…

Maybe me more than you. That's true, I'm a liar. I don't only lie to people, but I especially lie to me. Not because I find it funny –I don't– but because I don't know what else could to be happy. I'm not happy the way I am, so I try to find others way to become happy.

One says it's not love who make who you are, and I know this is true. But I can't help to feel empty when I see all my friends around me happy in love.

I know it's difficult to understand, but it's not like I lie for everything. I can even say that most of the time I'm an honest person.

In fact, since I was a child, I always dreamt that one day my Charming Prince would come to find me. It happened I was in fact gay, but it didn't change my idea of true love. Because even if I'm a liar, I'm also pure-hearted and even a bit naïve. I'm not a bad person. I hope I'm not.

I happened to love once, but it was fruitless. She never liked me, and I never told her my feelings. She had a boyfriend, and she acted really nasty to me. I was like a worm to her. I was so weak and stupid when I was with her… It was not like me. But even if I was like another person, even if she was rude to me, I couldn't help but love her.

At first, I liked to love her. I was cheerful, happy to see her every day, but in the end, I began depressed. It was a horrible time.

For two years, I decided to not fell in love anymore. But once my scars got healed, I forgot and tried to fall in love again. But it was useless. I couldn't.

I tasted the feeling of one-sided love, and it was not that great. That's why I would like to know what it feels to be loved by the "One". The girl I will love ever after.

I'm so envious of those happy couples… I can't bear my situation, and that's why I lie. I don't do it to hurt people, but because I think stupidly that if I really wish for something, it will happen.

But doing that, I hurt people, and I end up regretting it. My last lie was to tell Meiko I loved her. I really thought it was the case until we dated. But then, I understood I was not in love, but just lonely.

I longed to be in love, but in the end, it just brought sadness for both of us. I wonder if she was aware of my true feelings.

I couldn't bear being tied to her. Her jealousy, her romantic behavior, her kindnesses, it all made me sick. I was horrible to her. I know I'm bad tempered, and I'm not always nice, but there… I don't even know why she stayed so long with me. But I know why she left me. For another girl; more pretty and nice.

I didn't even like her, so why am I so hurt? Why can't I stop crying? I assume it's because I wouldn't have dated me in the first place, if I were her.

I don't have anything for me except my face. And how someone could love me when I hate me so much? Now, the only person I trusted betrayed me. She was seducing someone else why dating me. Who is the most at fault between me and her?

I tried so much to love her, not looking at others, not cheating on her… Is it really my fault? I don't know. I'm so confused.

I'm on the floor, crying like a little child, some new scars on my wrists.

Meiko has been so harsh when she dumped me… I can't forget her words. But I deserved it. And still…

I don't know why I'm still here. Why don't I end all that pain? It would be so easy…

I stand up and go to the bathroom. My scars are bleeding, but who cares? Nobody.

I look at myself in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes, my reddened cheeks, my hair… I look awful.

I can't stop thinking about Meiko and her girlfriend Gumi. How they are happy together, how they make love. It kills me… I'm jealous of what they own.

My fans gave me the name of the Cold-hearted Princess… Maybe I really am. But not enough to not feel pain.

Tears are ruining my face. I'm trembling. My face becomes paler. I put some bandage on my arms. I'm too coward to die.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. My sorrow won't stop. I would have liked to be born differently. But I can't change the way I am. Maybe one day I'll find true love and I will change. Maybe…

I hope I'll still be there when she'll appear. I wipe my tears, and try to smile at myself, but fail. "P-Please, if you exist, come find me. Soon…" I whisper, sobbing.

Please.

**I hope you'll leave a review if it pleased you (or not).**


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